Fat bravery by Aimee Waite
Illustration courtesy of @katydidthese_illustrations
“You’re so confident” is something I have been told many times throughout almost 10 years of performing and I am going to be honest with you, in my case, it is all an act.
As a fat performer portraying confidence is seen as a must to receive any form of acceptance and validation from society, whether that is in relation to body shape, gender, sexuality. I personally find the use of confidence as a label to be toxic and is yet another ideal forced upon us to fit society’s narrative. It also undermines the journey that most of us have had to endure to find acceptance in ourselves when we are still being degraded and judged. What it takes to leave the house and reveal ourselves takes bravery, not confidence.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘confidence’ as “…a belief in your own ability to do things and be successful”. But as a fat person, success does not come as easily as it does to those more conventional body types - it is only in the past several years, maybe less that fat folk have been viewed with any form of positivity and viewed without disgust or used as a joke.
To redefine your role in society as a fat person is first and foremost an act of bravery, which is something that is often lost or consumed by the need to be confident. I personally feel being told how confident I am, quite condescending as it totally undermines the struggles that I have faced as a fat person in day-to-day life and as a performer.
Discovering inner bravery involved what felt like lying to myself, from being laughed at and at points attacked for my body, it reaffirmed everything that society projected about not being beautiful or worthy of acceptance and validation. To then throw that upon its head took a lot of time and discomfort, some of the beliefs of myself have never disappeared - they rear their ugly little heads in day-to-day life and on the stage whether it is deciding what to eat or how my body will be conveyed. It was only through the bravery of other fat folk that I felt able to expose myself in such a vulnerable manner.
By no means am I saying that fat folk cannot be confident or it’s necessarily a bad thing, I just think that the bravery of our existence and exposure of our bodies needs to be validated rather than be rebranded as confident. To me, confidence is something that is possessed by those who fit the constructs of what is deemed acceptable and my body in society is not acceptable. It is something that is radical and goes against the grain of fashion and media. Fortunately, fat presence is rapidly increasing thanks to events such as ‘Fat Pride’ and artists such as Lizzo redefining our place and role in society. Last year I was honoured to be a part of ‘Fat Pride’, and it is the only time that I have felt able to be confident and that was mainly due to being around other radical bodies being celebrated and highlighted.
Unfortunately, such spaces are rare and that is why I feel that we are brave to expose ourselves through our art, leaving our artistic presence open to criticism, insults and judgement. Only through being brave can we then create the space to be fat and proud.
Essay: Aimee Waite
Illustration: @katydidthese_illustrations