“self-esteem girl” by esti strydom
The figure in the image is me as my alter ego, Self-esteem Girl.
This piece came about when I was doing a lot of online dating and speaks to all the self-doubts that come with dating whilst fat. When uploading pictures on the various online dating platforms, I always made sure to include images on my profile that showed my full body and face from various angles. I was terrified of being accused of lying about what I looked like. I desperately wanted men to know that I was fat, way before meeting up.
Even though I did my best to present myself fully, the transition from on-screen DM’s and chats to meeting up IRL still proved dubious. Men who were fit, lean and traditionally ‘attractive’ would swipe right or match with no qualms. As long as they could get nudes or meet up for a one-night stand, everything would be A-OK. But being in a relationship where your friends and family could see you with a fat girl was a hard ‘no’. (This would also be the case for men who weren’t lean…)
A friend of mine’s twitter bio reads ‘fatter in real life’ - a written comeback akin to the visual response that is Self-esteem girl. Our responses are a comedic transmutation of the fears associated with the murky waters between virtual reality and a public coffee date. Showing up for a date as a fat person will always pose an extra risk: Will we be accused of lying about our size, even though we did our best to present ourselves as we really are? Perhaps the unease that comes from expecting this kind of accusation, is not the ‘risk’ as such, but rather telling of society’s harrowing fatphobia. When confronted with the jarring incongruencies of being both attracted to a ‘fatty’, but scared of what the boys would think, you get an easy out: she lied about her size.
In this performance, I interrogate the visual politics of how we put ourselves on display for the purposes of finding a potential romantic partner. I deliberately hide my face to emphasise the physicality of my naked body. Wearing a paper bag over my head is an attempt to invert the ‘butterface’ phrase that men like to use when describing a physically attractive woman with a less desirable face. Does it turn me into a ‘butterbody’? (Everything but her body?)
It’s the opposite of a boudoir shoot. No part of my body is hidden by ‘flattering’ clothes. Tits hang freely and aren’t pushed up or apart. You can clearly see my rolls, cellulite and body hair. I stick my tongue out at the ever-watchful camera. There is #nofilter. And if you swipe right, you sure as hell know what you’re gonna get.
images and words by Esti Strydom
