Wearing Jeans by Gabriella Severino

To the person who won’t let yourself wear what you want to wear,

I am Gabriella Severino. Do you want to know a secret? I haven’t worn jeans since I was 14 years old. I am now 28 years old. It’s a long ass time to not wear a piece of clothing. I used to have these red jeans with black stars all over them paired with a Nirvana T Shirt. They brought me a lot of joy. Then all of a sudden, I grew up and formed this belief that you had to have a certain body shape or size to be able to wear jeans.

It was so long ago that I had forgotten the reason why I was too afraid to wear them and as I followed down the dark experiences in my mind that I had suppressed, I realised that it was a multitude of events and people who made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans. It’s not the jeans that made me afraid, it was the people who would see me in them.

I was bullied a lot at school for my weight and for my loudness and we had these tiny skimpy PE shorts and whilst other girls were rolling them up to make them shorter to show off their lacey underwear, I was begging the teacher to see if I could wear leggings underneath my shorts. I wasn’t allowed to and I wasn’t dumb, I could hear what people were saying about me and sometimes they’d say it to my face. I know it’s my own insecurity but there isn’t one person who got bullied in the world who doesn’t feel a little pain when they think back to an experience that hurt them so bad. And if you are one of those people who doesn’t feel the pain, well I’d love to know your magic ingredient.

But it didn’t stop there for me, I am Sicilian and my culture is very strict and very judgemental. So well meaning people would call me fat daily, reminding me of my thighs or saying “You can’t go to Sicily or Italy like that, there isn’t one fat person there, they will talk about you.” And I say “well meaning people” but what I really mean is my family, I just don’t want to admit it. Maybe that’s why you see the skinniest of models working with Italian designers, but it makes no sense to me, the majority of Italian women I’ve met are bigger and have curves, even the skinny ones. It’s hard for me to write this, I can’t stop crying because as I said, I suppressed these experiences and people for a reason.

Then of course, the size of jeans that you wear. Why did that number bother me so much? I guess it’s a bit like winning 2nd place, and 1st place was for the skinny girl and the bigger girl came in 2nd, I always came in second. Those well meaning people also said that “Baggy clothes look better on your body and black slims you down.” So for the next 14 years I stuck to black baggy clothes and dresses only because they slimmed me down and in dresses I am two sizes smaller.

I bought a pair, I haven’t found the courage to wear them yet but my friends and family keep asking me when I’m going to wear them. My response is “I don’t own any tops.” Then I came across The Fat Zine and I thought I could do an experiment, go real big and wear my jeans for the first time and upload it to the internet. As I said that, it sounds like a terrible idea but it’s an idea I keep mulling over.

It’s scary and vulnerable and I feel like a teenage kid in a Netflix movie who’s finally said “fuck it, I’ma wear it.” Maybe that could be the title to a mini series I create of me wearing whatever the fuck I like.

I’ve always wanted to turn my past pain into purpose and empower girls and women to wear what brings them joy and I realised I can’t be that example for them if I don’t do it for myself. Today that changes.

I know there is someone reading this who has a piece of clothing in their wardrobe that they don’t feel worthy or confident enough to wear it. I’m not going to say “love yourself.” I mean you should, but it isn’t a overnight process. I just don’t want you to be 14 and then become me and missing out wearing all those glamorous pieces of clothing and being stuck to black dresses all of your life.

So today I’m uploading these photos of me wearing jeans, I’m doing this for both you and I, but I really want to do this WITH YOU. So as vulnerable as it is, do you think you could try that outfit on with me? Take a photo of yourself in it. Tag me or just message me.

To the person who is reading this, I love you and I hope you know that you’re good enough.

Words and images by Gabriella Severino, you can follow her on Instagram here.