From fat-fearing to fat-tastic by Louna Walker
Illustration by Fatties and Feelings
Just your average 23-year-old gal talking to you about body image and body positivity. In this post I’m going to be honest and raw, detailing my thoughts on my experiences of going from a 6 stone size 6, to being a curvaceous queen finding herself while battling self doubt and criticism. It can be a hard topic to discuss and in this post I cover some triggering experiences so please read with care and caution.
Then…
So, let’s backtrack to little Louna. I was a lovely girl. Cheeky, a bit weird (but aren’t we all) and to be honest, scared of everything. A diagnosis of Autism, anxiety and OCD made so much sense. I struggled with my relationships with food and clothes hugely and looking back makes me realise that I’ve always found hurdles in those departments, even without prejudice, bullying and societal pressure!
Photo credit: Louna Walker
Food was scary. It was the enemy. It was the devil in disguise. I thought I’d either be poisoned from it or that I’d choke.
I thought the same about clothes. Although a fashionista at heart who rocked tremendous amounts of pink, my mind made me scared of garments that I felt constricted in. Would it strangle me? Block my airways? Would I be able to get them off? It was a constant battle but one I was determined to keep fighting and eventually win.
After years of retraining myself to act the way others did, I became less scared. The fears were still there, but they were manageable. I started eating more solid foods, the eating disorder started fading and I found clothes I could feel comfortable in.
The struggle…
I didn’t think anything of my body until the age of 17. I was always bullied for being small, for being a geek and for being ‘ugly’. Because of everything I went through when I was younger, I always carried self consciousness with me.
I had a very stressful event in my life and I forgot to eat. I simply forgot. I was stressed, going through a bad time mentally and food was not appealing to me.
Within a month and a half I’d lost around two and a half stone. I noticed more boys starting to be interested in me. People were complimenting me so much and I just didn’t understand, until I returned to college after summer break and my friends were telling me how much weight I’d lost and were wondering if I was ok. That’s the moment it all changed. I looked hard in the mirror when I got home and started comparing images of me from the months prior to this. I became obsessed. I felt pretty for once. I felt like I was valid now. But it was in fact the worst time in my life. The months following, I kept losing and losing pounds, dropping dress sizes and becoming obsessed with ways to lose weight. My google search history was full of ‘ways to feel full up’, ‘how to lose weight quickly’ and basically very unhealthy thoughts and plans.
I was scared of fat. I was scared of not being good enough. I was obsessed with the slim, tiny, fatigued person I’d become. I realised I was ill but I couldn’t stop. I was in a very bad relationship at the time and I felt degraded, not good enough and like a waste of human life. It was the lowest I’ve ever been. The food and clothes became the devil again. They started to takeover my mind and quickly consumed my body too until I was borderline anorexic. Everyone around me was terrified and so was I.
I was buried so deep that I thought It may be impossible to rise again, but then a switch flicked. I woke up. My past started to leave me, starting with my negative relationship. I found my current partner which led to me finding myself. I started promoting self care, mental wellbeing and using my voice to help others. I started baking cakes and slowly my relationship with food became better and stronger. The hold food had over me started to become looser. I could breath better and my mind started to heal.
Finding body confidence…
I noticed as the months and years went by with my new partner that I started eating more, gaining weight and it happened in the blink of an eye. I was size 12, then 14 and now I fall between the 14/16 range. I became worried again and scared of being ‘fat’. I cried, I wanted to change and although It was crushing, I wanted to be 6 stone again, but then I came across the body positivity community. A group of people from across the world deciding to take back their rights to be curvy, embrace their so called ‘flaws’ and be sexy as hell whilst doing so! It made me change my perspective so much.
Photo credit: Louna Walker
I did a body positivity shoot, I posted my first ever ‘bopo’ images online despite being terrified of the backlash I might receive. I then continued and didn’t stop. I started changing my searches online to food based topics and ways I can promote my self care. I also prioritised reasoning with those voices in my mind and befriending myself instead of being at war.
Yes, sometimes it seems impossible to overcome these thoughts. Yes, I have days where I fall out with my reflection. Yes, I still fall prey to eating disorders and yes I believe I have body dysmorphic disorder but the most important thing is that I’m here, writing this and truly in awe of the ‘fat’ community. We are changing the word ‘fat’ and the meaning and power it holds because it is a word we have used to degrade and bully, but we are giving it life. We are creating light, beauty, positivity and are lifting dampened spirits who need us. I was scared of food, clothes and being ‘fat’ and now I’m embracing them all and being truly ‘fat-tastic’.
I realise that these lumps and bumps keep me safe. My stretch marks and cellulite tell stories of my bodies history. My body is a beautiful thing that stands tall (Well, I’m only 4ft 10), rises when I fall and is the one companion my mind has had throughout all the hard times in my life.
Photo credit: Louna Walker
Dear body, I will feed you, keep you hydrated and befriend you. I shall treat you with kindness and make up with you after we fight on bad days. You are magnificent. Thank you for keeping me alive.
Words: Louna Walker from Bursts Of Autumn