Heaux Fails by Olivia Lapeyrolerie
Illustration by @katydidthese_illustrations
I have always had a complicated relationship with romance. I blame Disney Princess Movies as well as the subtle and overt ways that the world tells me that as a Fat, Black, Femme I’m not considered conventionally desirable. For a long time, I convinced myself that if I lost the weight, I’d find happiness and my prince charming. I thankfully got tired of starving myself, but couldn’t shake the feeling that my life would be better if I had a partner.
In February 2020, I was just getting over a situationship (two Scorpios should never be romantically involved) and decided it was time to start dating again. Then the pandemic hit, but I refused to let this deter me from my mission. What followed was a rather painful but ultimately healing set of entanglements that I share below.
It was not easy for me to write this, and air some of my worst moments publicly. But as a romantic at heart and an avid reader of romance novels, I sometimes feel like I am the only person in the world who sucks so hard at dating. So I want to share in hopes that someone reads this and knows they aren’t alone in their heaux fails.
Tr*mp Supporter: Unbeknownst to me, I went on a few virtual dates with a Tr*mp supporter. We started chatting in March 2020. He was a white bro who liked sports and the Grateful Dead. Not my normal type, but the world was on fire and I wanted to have some fun. And we did until I brought up the new mask mandates. A lot of people say that it is impolite to talk about politics when you are getting to know someone. I certainly wasn’t raised that way, and work in politics - and at that time in April, it seemed like a non-controversial topic. But woah was I wrong! Jam band bro launched into a 15 text rant about how masks were bullshit, COVID was a big city problem, and it was time for the rest of the country to re-open. I then proceeded to call him Donald Tr*mp and he thought it was a compliment, which it certainly was not. My inner vindictive bitch really wanted to text him on November 7 and send him gifs of AOC celebrating, but I am proud to say I restrained myself.
Old Crush: I have to preface this story by saying that it was late June 2020, I was the heady combination of horny, bored and depressed. So thought it would be a good idea to ask an old crush (who I drunkenly told in college that I fancied...I really should write a book) to send my number to his best friend, my new crush. Did I still maybe have a crush on my old crush? A little, but he was dating someone else and I wanted a new person to daydream about. Allegedly, my old crush sent his friend my number and said my new crush thought I was cute. I was amped - my summer fling was in the works! But then, a week went by and I didn’t hear anything from my new crush. That initial bubble of joy and new possibilities quickly turned into a pit in my stomach: did the new crush, not like me? Did he find an unflattering picture of me and think I was too big? One night I drank too much wine and decided to take matters into my own hands by sliding into my new crush’s DMs. I honestly don’t remember what I said, but knew it probably wasn’t too great since I woke up the next day and found that I had deleted all evidence of the crime. I felt embarrassed but slowly started to move on...until 1 month later. Out of the blue, my old crush lit into me via text -- and said my wine-fueled DMs had made his friend uncomfortable, and that I needed to work on my self-esteem because I looked desperate. He said he was “looking out for me” and that his own self-esteem issues had led to his girlfriend recently breaking up with him.
The whole exchange was incredibly upsetting and painful. I felt bad to have made his friend uncomfortable, but I didn’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional whipping rod. I went on a pretty bad downward spiral after this, replaying this incident on a loop in my head and wondering if my old crush would have treated me differently if I was skinny.
Hiking Bae: After my old crush fiasco, I decided to go on a brief dating hiatus to sort through my feelings. Then I saw a really cute person on my friend’s insta doing outdoorsy shit and said fuck it - I’m getting back out there again! This time my friend connected me with their friend, aka hiking bae, and we started exchanging pleasant messages on the gram! Now looking back, I realise I was searching for some sort of romantic validation after my painful experience with the old crush. But at the time, I felt we were really connecting when we just weren’t. And when hiking bae said they would be happy to have me hang out “as friends,” I felt deflated. Was something wrong with me? Is this karma for the time I broke up with someone over text?
A part of me was like, “Sis, you need to take a break from dating” the other part was like “Baddie’s Don’t Get Up.” You can guess who won.
Word Vomit Pal: A few weeks after Hiking Bae, at the height of my vulnerability, a person matched with me on my long-dormant Hinge and I began to feel cautiously optimistic that all wasn’t lost for me romantically. They were friendly, progressive and made movies! It was still warm in NYC, so after a few weeks of chatting, we decided to get a socially distanced drink outside. I was a bit nervous; I’m a good smaller talker but because of the pandemic, I couldn’t remember the last time I had to meet and sustain a conversation with someone I didn’t know. Let’s just say I was rusty, and literally told this person my entire life story. From birth through to hiking bae. While this person was really nice and an excellent listener, it was clear we were only vibing as friends and I was surprised by how at peace I felt with that realisation.
After my word vomit pal, I felt like the universe was telling me I needed to take a break from dating and just be with myself. Over these past 7 months, through therapy, writing, meditation and very supportive friends, I’ve become really thankful that these rather painful experiences happened to me. It helped me realise that I can’t give the keys of my happiness away to someone else.
But let’s not get it twisted, I am not some nun - I miss partnered sex and would be thrilled to one day find a romantic partner to walk through life with. But I know that I am complete, divine and beautiful all on my own -- and that is more than enough.
I’ll still probably be on this hiatus for a bit longer, but if Captain America has made the grave mistake of time travelling to 2021 & is vaccinated, tell him to slide into my DMs.
Essay: Olivia Lapeyrolerie
Illustration by @katydidthese_illustrations